At 28, I don't feel qualified to title this "Growing Up" because where I am now, I feel like a new born baby. Or more accurately, it's sort of like when you start a class you thought was easy, then midway through, your confidence is gone because you don't know what you are doing, you couldn't explain to anyone what you learned yesterday, and you are, over all, a floundering fish. I feel like I'm at my floundering fish stage. Right now it seems there are way too many moving parts for me to keep track of.
Even so, floundering has me learning more about me, people, and the world than I ever have. People are all so complex, its a wonder we get through the day everyday with all of us just bumbling around in our emotions, our jobs, our families, our friends. I wonder now, what thoughts and musings used to occupy me when I was younger. It's weird to feel envious of your 7 year old self. But I am, I mean look at me, if that's not a confident, stable human in that picture, then I don't know what is. You gotta be secure to pull that outfit off. I bet if she could speak she might tell me she did have things she worried about, like her hair, her school friends, her family. Maybe we are perpetually forced to flounder in life, and we just have to figure out how to do that well, you know, be the best bumbling person you can be.
I'm here and I'm trying to bumble and flounder towards a warmer heart. Starting with this post, and this website, with my new alone time, with my thoughts that need to be trained to face the sun, with forgiving me, with forgiving other people, with taking responsibility. Theres a lot to do but I think if I stay focused on being warm and on giving out love then hopefully tomorrow I can start to tell you what I learned today.